Conflict.....

Wondering What should I give more priority? - to friendship that was so cloase or rather still is close to heart or my values. Friendship that meant everything. The friendship that started with such wonderful talks, moments. Wasnt it as important as anything else in my life?
Should I ignore what my friend said in anger, agony, ambiguity etc. All the bad words he used and said? Should I let go of my values and self respect for friendship and that special friend? And give friendship one more last chance from my side? Probably it may not be as good as it was but atleast be there?
The friendship is still breathing in me and my heart but is it dead for him? Should I still try to talk to him once and try and get back this friendship for my soul sake, my heart sake and my life sake?
My friend passes by my side. The one who used to stop to give me smile; has now stopped looking at me. The care I used to see in the eyes has suddenly vanished. What do I do of this incomplete feeling. I am in search of that smile, that voice, that concern, those jokes, those moments, those times.
I am missing a friend. However bad he was he was my best friend. How can I let go of him in this manner? How can I let him go how can I? But, how do I get him back how do I. Please help me lord.
My mind reminds me of values and self respect whereas heart says this friendship is more important for you;what you doing how can you let go without trying. Like we fight with diseases in our life to survive in the same way you have to fight with bad,wrong and everything else to make sure a relationship survives.
What do I do??

I want to go back..........

I want to go back..go back to the days i already spent. Go back and erase all the back and wrong days of life, wrong moments, wrong minutes, wrong situation, wrong friends, wrong words spoken, wrong words written, wrong things I did and everything else that was not right....
I am left with so many questions, so many confusions that I get fed up someday looking atmy life. Feel like my life is runnig ahead and I m left far behind standing on the road and just observing my life go far very far.
Want to hold on to my life, want to walk with it hand in hand, want to be at same pace as my life is. Analysing every bit of my life from childhood till today does not remind me of any beatiful memories. It remindes me of pain, anger, hatred,loss and nothing else. I have lost lost and lost.
waiting for the day I can gain and remember.
Feel like going back to my mothers womb and relive all the days again by correcting all the wrong that happend. Reenjoy every moment, relive all the days that I lost, regain all the friends I lost, Regain all the love that I lost , regain all the precious moment that I lost which could have been beautiful and most cherished.

..........I want to go back to my mothers womb.........

Wishes and Expectations...

Things seem to have gone beyond my expectations. The connection of every statement and word with the past makes me analyse lot of things. These things make me think are they true, are they as i thought or are they as I m thinking right now. How can a person be disturbed so emotinally or mentally that he does not realise what he is talking and to whom. He could be hurting someone by his words, gestures but he fails to realise and goes on and on over and over again...
Wish we humans had an eraser which could erase all the bad past memory from my mind. This would have helped us not to think of gone days, not to compare eople, not judge people, not think of days that have gone past.
Wish we humans were like pencil with a sharpner. We could break the shaken and used lead and resharpen the pencil / life again like fresh new lead.
Wish we had whiteners available in life. We could cleanoff the mistakes and rewrite that moment with different meaning, different depth, different feeling and different attitude towards life.
I wish my life to be like whitener, like pencil with sharpner, like rubber, like a computer whihc runs on command like delete and control alt delete. Life would be so different and beautiful...
I wish and i wish and i wish...............

Strange analysis for me...........

When a person fights to get his love in his life he has only one thing positive with him that is their strong love and nothing else. Everything else it just the part and parcel of life which is dealt with and lived with time.


Love is not based on any research or analysis. It is the most heaviest weight on this earth compared to anything around. It holds hearts together, world together, humans together and animals together so on and so forth. Thats the strenght of love provided you believe in it and have trust in it and in your ownself.



Love happens due to chemistry with the person that is felt at a very large level. If one starts being an analyser even while falling in love; they will never have time left to love. Loss of everyday is an opportunity lost for love.



Spending every second is so important with the one you love as it increases strength of that love every time to support and gives courage to fight with the world around. In love u are in a big ground and we are alone standing against the whole world population. But the strength of love is so much that it can win over god too.............

When will the sunrise.............

A decision of changing myself was very easy to make at this stage of my life. But able to change is a biggest deal right now. Cannot find any path infront of me. There is no left,no right, no front and no back. Its just a round circle.
Have decided to pick some good things of past and improve my today. The way I look, The way i think, the way i feel.
Being selfish is the key to success for sure. I m extremely sure of it. My honesty and truthfulness never gave me anything in my life. Forget that others will be hurt, do what u want and feel unless family is happy..
However big the pain just smile because it makes family smile, a mother smile what can be bigger treasure in life than this. Things come, Things go, People come in our life, People go from our life what are we left with..some pain, some smile, some teards, some laughter and sometimes inseparable change that gets attached to ones soul.........
My pain that small (in the form of time)yet big in meaning and terms has killed me from within and I m changing a big way. Life has taught me biggest lesson of my life. Its about being on grounds and reality. No one cares. Emotions, feelings its all good to be said but when comes to be shown and expressed becomes a pain and complication. There is nothing like emotions in life.................Nothing called love in life.........................This are all words

My hobby does not want to be with me???????

Hobby and interest is something that makes a person cheerful when feeling down and out. It makes one smile and feel relaxed and light.
My hobby had always been my best friend. My fears have come out of me in the form of painting. It has never been away from me. Paintings are very close to me.
BUT
Today I have seen my paintings going away from me. I have lost interest in the brightest colours of my life. Colours have always mad me feel good. I have always been so excited about them but today its all different. I cannot see anything except black and white.
The permutation and combination of this colour also does not make any other colour expect grey...Grey shade of life is the phase I m in.
I want to come out how when where what i dnthave any answer for it..............I m all lost in transit

Whats the truth..

What is the truth of this world around me? Is it what i see, is it what i hear or is it what i cant see I dnt know.
The past does not allow me to believe in today..My past does not allow me to trust world around me. I always have questions in my mind, always trying to analyse people around me. Trying to find who is honest, who is truthful, who is my friend and who is not.
What people think of me. What people feel for me. What people think I am. All is very important to me but cannot trust anyones comment and anyones opinion.
I m tiered of all the negative and also all the positive. Cant a human stop analysing its life?
When will I learn to trust people again?When will this fear from me go away?When will I learn my life to the fullest?

Dreams are nothing...........

There was a time I used to believe that dream is path to future and success. Life should be lived with dreams in eyes as it turns to be a goal with time. But, I was wrong dream is nothing is just like time. It just passes away with sleep every nite.
No dreams can be goals. The reality is what makes your future and your life. Live in presence and not in dreams. Dreams become more heavy when shattered.
Live life materialistic and you have success and happiness running your way but moment you live life with dreams and emotions it kills your future, its kills your innner someone who is as pure as god.
Life is nothing more than practicality, materialistic world and lifeless creatures all around. Nature, love, emotions, feelings everything is bullshit infront of all this as it does not take you anywhere.........................

So Stop dreaming and start living the way world is because there is no body who understands............

Too many questions.................

A person upset, Frustrated in life with things that are going against his wish and want. Several thoughts jumping in mind and the change in mood constantly.
Mind is thinking something but does not know what, why and how. The fear of loosing someone. The fear of past affecting the presence and future in every possible manner. The trouble, the hurt, the depression and pool of rotten thoughts, rotten feelings makes life more worst and rotten like and egg which people loved eating once upon a time but now cant even bear it.
Dealing with such feelings seems always so difficult and impossible. Why human being is only left with one answer that is "Change yourself" for the materialistic world which does not understand and feel for one.
Why does life leave us with no answers and only questions. With no options but only decisions....No opportunity only pain.....

"ONE'S PAST DEPENDS ON PRESENCE AND FUTURE DEPENDS ON PRESENCE. ALL THIS IS A CYCLE OF LIFE"

Crowd around........

Today morning as regular routine last few days I was waiting at electric house for my friends. Was standing near adidas showroom. Regular process on road was going on, hawkers setting their stall, begger taking his place and emptied his bottle of water and gave it to his friend to fill it for fresh water, buses moving by, taxis running fast, everybody honking, all in rush to reach office, open their shops....lot of thing happening all around me but felt like I was all alone...Felt like one yellow frog between 1000 black frogs jumping all around without knowing where to go.
Life is going somewhere where I do not know. Moving ahead with time,with the speed of world around feeling lost yet found yet lost again.
World is close to me but I m far from it. ...

Life is the biggest teacher..

Right now what I am writing may not have any connection with my title but it just my heart speaking purely. Attimes it becomes very important to be aware in every relationship however close or far it is. a pure heart always makes a human behave purely and many a times others do not understand. Definately not their mistake but the way they take certain issues is their way of looking at things.
I almost lost my best friends. I know one is already going far rather has gone pretty far but to lose the other as well as whatever much I have of both will break me completely. I got an opportunity to learn this from my life today that how it would be to lose this friends from my life.
It is hurting me today I m in pain bad pain. Feel devasted due to a particular thing in my life.
Losing the opportunity which one never got is more troubling than getting an opportunity and losing a game.
Hurt and pain will always remain in heart for life with a regret. Regret will remain with a big quetions "Why not" and "Why me" unanswered forever....This unanswered questions haunt me, hurt me give me pain and generate more questions in my mind.
I now realise how it feels to lose someone who so close to your heart and soul in a span of few minutes.
Just pray to god that this is the last time I am going through this trauma. I need stability, peace in my life and around me................................